Adrift

by Alexandru Ciobanu

“That’s the sin that can’t be forgiven–that I hadn’t done what I wanted. It feels so dirty and pointless and monstrous, as one feels about insanity, because there’s no sense to it, no dignity, nothing but pain–and wasted pain…why do they always teach us that it’s easy and evil to do what we want and that we need discipline to restrain ourselves? It’s the hardest thing in the world–to do what we want. And it takes the greatest kind of courage.” – Ayn Rand

Truth is, most of the time I don’t know what I want. If you were to ask me who I would envision myself to be in five years, I honestly would be at a loss for words. I suppose you could say it is the fear of failure. I remember that, as I was growing up, especially towards the final years of high-school, I was considering different career paths every two weeks. Because as hard as it may have been to do what I wanted, that is, psychiatry, forensic anthropology, filmmaking, the fear of failure would undercut it. But to say that would really be a cop-out. As I stand here, visualizing where I’ve ended up, majoring in foreign languages, I can’t really say I hate it. Even more so, I’m actually one of the best in my university. That particular fear didn’t undercut my chances at succeeding. So I go back to that question. Five years from now, what do I want to be? To demand an answer is as foolish as me stating I have a purpose in this world.  What keeps me going though? I sure don’t know what I want from life. However, I’m intrigued enough to just want it. 

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