Me: I met the actor tonight. We had a nice time. But we didn’t do anything, we didn’t even kiss. Although that may be because he’s in rehearsals and I have a cold. At least I hope so. I was my usual melancholic, intelligent, but depressive self. Maybe not overtly depressive, but I feel there’s so much pain in the way I compose myself these days.
I’m very sad right now. I don’t know what the reason is anymore. Postmodernism, maybe. It’s fucked me up a bit.
A: You shouldn’t take it so seriously.
Me: It’s very serious to me right now. Forget about postmodernism, the things about identity and different selves. That I don’t know who I am anymore is something else. But London is really bad for me at this point. I hate everything and everyone. And, at the same time, I can’t hide behind that anymore. I know very well know that the city is not at fault, the people are not at fault for my hatred of them. I am. I am the common denominator. When I went to Hyde Park with those girls that afternoon, they were genuinely happy about everything around them, and I couldn’t stand it. I can’t put the blame on other people anymore for my dislike of them.
I can’t take this city much longer.
A: You’re coming home soon.
Me: And I feel rejected by everyone, even as I try to pretend I don’t, even to myself. Even this guy kicked me out. And while he may have done it quite nicely, and I understand why given his profession… I don’t know.
A: This thing with the actor, don’t take it too seriously, really. Don’t transpose it into something bigger than it is.
Me: I am not. It’s about the fact that I want someone’s embrace. Someone that counts.
A: Aww… Well, there are times like these.
Me: And he hugged me at the beginning, and as I left. But that’s not what I wanted. Well, not as a curteousy.
There was this scene on Shameless recently. I watched the episode today. The main character, this girl, has been through fucking hell this season. And it all started because of this one guy. After all of it, destroyed as she was, the girl went to his place and started punching him and crying and saying how she should’ve told the cops his name and things would’ve been better.
And as she was crying so much and holding her hands around her, she took a step towards the guy. Then she covered her eyes with her hand because she realized there’s nothing he can do to comfort her.
I cried so much.
A: First of all, stop watching shows that mess you up, it’s not good for you.
Me: I don’t have what to hang onto anymore, that is me. To say: oh, I am this, I am that.
A: You do. You are still yourself. You just can’t find people to make connections with. But sometimes that’s hard for everyone. And you are still you, with your periodical sadness, as if it just takes over you at certain times. You haven’t felt like this in a while. It’s hard, and I understand, loneliness can be terrifying. But don’t let it forget who you are. And, well, this thing with the actor, it is what it is. Don’t make more of it.
Me: Forget about him, he’s not the reason for this.
A: Was he the trigger?
Me: No, it’s how I act with these people. I have such a defeated attitude all the time. I am intelligent, but its only use at this point is to explain how everything about me is joyless. How am I supposed to make anyone like me?
A: Well, you’re not supposed to make people like you. I mean, when have you ever done that? You know how it is, the people that are great are those who appreciate this part of you.
The thing with the depression, though, that’s not good. I’m not being very coherent, I know.
Me: I understand that I’m not supposed to make people like me.
A: I realize that you need someone, with whom you can have some sort of connection. Right?
A: It’s just that you can’t force these things, either they come naturally or they don’t.
Me: I will say that, in all of it, I am proud of myself that I am still the same with everyone.
A: Yeah, it is really important to be true to yourself.
Me: I am not performing anything.
I texted him:
‘I hope at the end of the day I’m not an uncomfortable presence or one that brings others down. It was nice to see you again. Good night.’
A: Did he reply?
A: Well, just get some sleep. Don’t think about it anymore, it’s nighttime, our brains are predisposed to these sort of ideas. Maybe you’ll feel better in the morning.
We miss you here a lot.
Me: You don’t even know how much I miss you two.
A: Well, just a bit longer, and it’ll be okay.
Me: Good night.